City of Angels

City of Angels

Nandita Dasgupta looked out of the window . A thousand faces – boys,girls and their mum and dads- flanked the sides of the runway to bid goodbye to the celebrated writer of the time’s most popular children book – Raj , the wizard boy. But Nandita could hardly see them. It was not that she did not like her fans. Infact she adored them .They were children mostly and it was they who made her rich, famous and successful. But today Nandita’s mind was far removed from those. She was lost in some other world- a world she had never written about in her books. As the plane took to the sky in a blur of faces and settled inside the thick blanket of clouds above, beside and beneath Nandita Dasgupta sank inside her ‘that’ world – a world where existed no hotshot writer of that name but only a hopeless romantic who was affectionately called Nandu, a place which by all accounts was far more beautiful and far more magical than those she created in her stories, a world she could call her own –the world of the real Raj, the Wizard Boy.
Nandita could remember her childhood days more in the arms of Surja Kaku and Rani Aunty than in those of her own parents. Both of Nandita’s parents worked and could hardly give her time.And Surja Kaku and Nandita’s dad were the best of friends. So from the day she had become aware of the world around her Nandita found herself in the loving arms of Rina Auntie beside her own son Raj who as only two months older than her. While Nandita’s mom was outside all day long , Rani took care of both the children nursled them ,caressed them and even suckled them both. Nandita always thought of Surja Kaku and Rani Auntie as her own parents and it was not before three that she would call her own mother ‘Mom’. Still she preserved the word ‘Ma’ to call Rani just as her own son Raj did.
Even before they had learned to speak Raj and Nandita were the best of friends. They were like twins who just did not look alike, were born two months apart and did not share the same set of parents. But they couldnot spend one moment without one another.
They ate together, went to sleep together and even went to loo together. And Rina Auntie had the hell of a time managing the two of them.
Nandita never liked her own parents. Akash and Neelima , inspite of having almost complementary names hardly complemented each other as husband and wife. It was a once-in-a-while incident to see them together and even in the little time they could manage for each other they hardly had time for anything else except fighting. They fought over the trivialest of things –from who should cook dinner to who should spend more time with Nandu. As for Nandu she hated when she had to be at her own house with her parents and shouted when she had to sleep with them at night.
Surjya Kaku and Rani Auntie was at completely different poles with her mom and dad. They fell in love when they were in college and were madly in love with each other since then. While they too did all their work with all attention they had enough time for their children (Oops they had really one child but they considered Nandu their child too.)
And they also managed time for each other for all those sweet nothings and innocent flirting. And Nandita felt that she and Raj were smaller versions of Surjya and Rani.She was not sure what love was or how she loved Raj but she knew that she loved him just as much as Rani Aunty loved Surjya Kaku. Raj was her brother ,friend, toy, and lover all punched into one.
Nandita and Raj could not imagine their lives without each other. So when Nandu had to move to Bombay hell broke down upon them. Raj and Nandita cried incessantly. It was impossible to stop them. And if ever they got tired of their constant howling tears flowed down unabated from their eyes. And when the actual hour of departure arrived even Surjya Kaku and Rani Auntie couldn’t hold back their tears. Those first days in Bombay were the hardest days of her life. For the first few days she did not talk to anyone . She did not eat properly. She cried over the phone when Surjyakaku Rani Auntie and Raj called from Calcutta . Even at that little age Raj tried to console her but she could feel that he was crying on the other side.
Akash and Neelima soon realized how much they had alienated themselves from their daughter through their negligence. In a bid to redeem themselves they tried to give her the maximum time they could manage. But alas it was too late. The place that Nandu had in her heart for her Surjya Kaku, Rani Auntie and especially Raj could not be taken by them.
During the first few years they went to Calcutta thrice every year and for those few days it was not possible to separate Raj and Nandu for even a moment. And Rina and Neelima often bantered that they would not face any problems to marry their children when they grew up.
But as years passed by the frequency of visting Calcutta decreased to once a year, and ultimately once in two years. Nandita talked to Raj over the phone sometimes and she longed to see him although she could always see him when she closed her eyes.
And then that day came. It was summer of 1996.The phone rang at about 8 in the morning when Nandita was about to leave for school.Her dad picked up the phone..
“Hello Akashda,” It was Raj’s Uncle. “ RaniBoudi is serious .Perhaps she’ll not make it . Will you be able to come.”
Everything was set in disarray. Nandita was stunned. She knew that Rani Auntie had cancer and her treatment was going on. But she was too young to understand what ‘cancer’ meant . And this was such a shock. What was Raj doing. He would be .. so.. alone. So … cruelly … terribly … alone.
When they reached Calcutta all was over . They rushed to Surjaya’s apartment from the airport to find Rani dead. She had died two hors ago. Surjya kaku was crying like a child. At one corner Raj was sitting quietly. He was not crying although the othes were urging him to. He had a aghast look on his face. He was watching his father.
Nandita came over to him , tears running down her cheeks. Raj looked up at her.
“How are you.” He asked. Nandita rushed down on him and hugged him to her chest. Raj put his arms round her. She looked at his face. It still wore that perplexed look.
“Have you ever seen Baba like that ?” He asked.
For two weeks they stayed at Calcutta. Then Nandu alone came to Calcuttas for a week after her half-yearly’s.And then again during Dewali. And in Winter they went to Simla. Nandita could still remember those games they had in the snow. Raj always joked over even the saddest of things. “ Wasn’t it good that Ma died . We are being able see each other more often .” He never showed his pain to anybody. But Nandita knew that sometimes he wept in the shower.
When Nandita reached eighth standard the pressure of her studies increased and for three years she couldn’t go to Calcutta. Raj came to Bombay once during this period and stayed for two weeks. But he had his studies too. And he was Surjyakaku’s only companion. So for the better part of these three very long years the telephone was their only means of communication. And at last when Nandita finally went to Calcutta after both had had their secondaries so many things had changed. The ever so pleasant and cheerful Raj had become so grim and gloomy. He seemed so distant and so much more grown-up than his age. Nandita feared she would lose him.
And then something happened . Something so unexpected and yet something so beautiful. It was a the 2nd of April .Hot summer noon. Surjyakaku was in his offices. Raj and Nandita were sitting in the veranda staring at the dusty roads. Nandita was talking incessantly – about how she had spent these days, about all her friends and how worthless they were . She complained that Raj wasn’t behaving the way he did earlier. And then she suddenly looked at Raj. He wasn’t listening to a single word she was saying. Instead he was staring at her as if lost in her face. It seemed so uneasy to see him gaze at her as he had when he had seen the snow at Simla. He raised his hand and touched her hair. A shiver ran down her spine. She looked at his eyes . They seemed so deep. So beautiful and so mysterious. She was scared. Raj touched her cheeks and then suddenly he brought his face closer to hers and kissed her lips. Not one of those kisses they had when they were kids. A real kiss. A long and passionate kiss. It was such a surprise but what could Nandu not give for such a surprise. She closed her eyes in delight. Joy and fear, excitement and amazement she felt at the same time. It went on and on like in one of those mushy sixty’s movies . Tears ran down her eyes. And Raj stopped.
“ Have I done anything wrong ?” He asked as if he had done some heanous crime the colour vanishing from his face . There were tears in his eyes. “I thought you’d like it.” Nandita smiled at him and pressed her lip onto his . The colour came back to his face. He closed his eyes in relief.
Soon they were sitting on the bed unclothing each other. As they unbuttoned each other and took off every item of clothing from each others body a chill of excitement ran through their veins. The breathing became slow and the hair on the back of their necks began to stand. Soon they were sitting completely naked facing each other and staring at each other in amazement. They had been naked before each other when they were kids but this was just so different. The were young adults now. Two young people with two very tender and attractive bodies. They felt hot and cold at the same time and their legs were shaky . Those wonderful changes that had happened to their bodies since they were children were incredible. They touched each other. And soon were lying face to face in each others arms.so very close that they could feel the warmth of each others breath .Their hearts pressed on to each other through the hardness and faltness of his chest and the softness and roundness of her breasts. As they moved closer and closer to each other the individual beatings of their hearts merged into one unified rhythm .Down below their maiden sex organs were struggling for freedom as Raj’s erection kept growing and pushing onto Nandita’s virgin delta of venus and finally sank deep inside her. Ecstasy , fear, joy, adventure, mischief –there was not one word that could describe the feelings they had then. When they lost their virginity at such a tender age of sixteen.
Those first days are always the best. When you always search for an opportunity to touch your lover, to be alone with him/her or to share a kiss. Romantic yes, erotic of course but more than that it’s a truant –like a naughty schoolboy bunking classes for the first time or a discovery – a discovery of a whole new sensation that had hitherto lied hidden from their knowledge and also the sheer excitement of doing something that was like stepping beyond a line, the moto being that Westlife song-
Rules are made to be broken,
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
But above all it was a feeling of belonging. Belonging to someone you love. Someone you can call your own. Someone to share everything with. Someone to whom there would be no hiding , no shame, no bondages to speak out your heart. And the feeling of not being alone in the universe.
That summer was wonderful but good things don’t last long.Soon it was time for another long separation. They were in standard eleven.For two long years they did not see one another.
Nandita could still remember the day she first met Manav. It was during Raj’s first year in college .Raj had taken admission in an Engineering College in Calcutta but Nandu was to go to London to gradute in creative writing.(Proving the fact that the time that her parenents had not shared with her in her childhood were not without an outcome) . She was to go next year. And before that she came to Calcutta to spend the rest of the days there. Manav was Raj’s classmate . And he was invited to Raj’s birthday along with a few others.
Nandita had never seen a guy so handsome. He was a bit of a flirt But that added to his charm. And boy, he had charisma. Raj was sweet but Manav was out and out beautiful. There was something in him that could make every girl’s heart drool in pain. He was your very own neighborhood Jude Law. Nandita was happy that she was going away for she knew she could not trust her heart when this man was around.
Yes he was a man she heard. And that he often teased Raj for being girly. Nandita got so angry when Raj told this things when he wrote to her in London the first time.
“You remember what Ma used to say.” She wrote back. “ It is not how one talks or walks that makes a man. A man is a man if he has the strength of will and character and the courage to sacrifice his own needs over those of others. Manav may be a man who can sweep a girl off her feet but you are the one who can make someone feel like she is an angel.” Raj was so grateful to her for this comment.
What is the greatest wonder in the world. Yuddhishthir would have given you the wrong answer. All those crap in the Mahabharat about life, death and cooking pots - that wasn’t true. The greatest wonder in this world is perhaps why people like each other. Raj and Manav went on to become great friends. This was very surprising because not only they were so different from each other but Manav had been a constant pain in the neck for Raj during his first year in college. When Nandu heard this not only was she surprised but a hint of jealousy crept into her heart as she realized that she was no longer Raj’s only friend. She now had to share her best friend with someone else. But there was a still greater surprise to follow.
That winter Nandu had come to Calcutta to be with her Teddy Bear ( that’s Raj without a saying). And there she was sitting with him in his balcony where he had first kissed him. She was pulling his hair, slipping her hands into his almost unbuttoned shirt
But Raj was not in himself . Something was bothering him. He seemed tortured .From inside.
“What’s wrong Raj ?” Nandu asked. Raj didn’t answer. He looked down to his feet.
Nandu became impatient. She slapped him gently on the face. “ Can’t you tell me what’s wrong . Am I not your best friend anymore.” Her voice ached a little as she spoke.
Raj placed his hand on her lips. “ Never say such a thing again. You are the greatest thing I could ever have in my life. You are an Angel who has always given me hope in the depths of despair. But ... I am … I am just so confused. Don’t want to hurt you.”
Nandita stared at him. “ Don’t know what’s wrong and what’s right ”, he continued. “ I love you Nandu and nothing else can give me more pleasure than to lie in your arms forever. But wasn’t love about giving and not just receiving, wasn’t it about selfless serving – self denial , putting happiness of someone who needs you before your own happiness. Nandu don’t get me wrong I am so grateful to you … grateful for everything you have done . There’s no way I can repay you. Nor do I want to. I want to be in your debt for that always. You’ve taught me to love.”
Nandita waited for the worse. “ I have had sex with Manav ,” he said. Nandita could not believe her ears. “ He might seem a happy-go-lucky playboy most unlikely to be a homosexual on the outside but that’s the farthest from what he is. He is one tiny little child wanting to flee from reality, more horribly insecure than I had ever been . And he needs me just as I needed you . And I want to be you Nandu .”
Nandu felt that her heart should break at that moment or tears should flow unabated from her eyes. But nothing of that sort happened. Instead she managed to force in a smile. No doubt she was sad but somewhere in her heart she loved Raj more. She kissed him on his lips. “ You can never be wrong .” Tears came down their eyes as they embraced each other to their hearts.
She had never seen this side of Manav. He was not smiling. There was a sheepish look on his face . He could not meet her eyes and for a long time he could not bring himself to talk. “ You must be an angel to give up the greatest thing in your life like that for me. And I am such a cheap scoundrel to take it from you. I am not even ashamed of what I am doing. But that’s in the genes I suppose. So good I look on the outside and so ugly I am inside. Rotten as hell. Flirt, playboy, homosexual, love-stealer – what else.” He winced in pain as he was said this.But he couldn’t cry. “ I wish I could be like you or Raj. But I can never be like that I suppose.”
Nandita kept quiet for a moment. Then she reached out and kissed him on the cheek. “If Raj loves you you can’t be half that bad. Trust him this much at least”.She could never forget the look Manav gave her that day. She knew this man will never hurt Raj…ever.
That was seven years ago. Nandita was no longer Nandu. She was one of the most popular childrens’ writer in England . Her Raj the Whizard boy was the gerates success in the past decade. It goes beyond saying that this Raj was not anyone different from her real Raj. Raj has been living with Manav. Most people do not know about their relationship. Thinks they are just friends. Surjyakaku knows of course. He did not oppose his son’s relationship with a man. He said that someone who has ever been in true love can never look with disgust at someone elses interpretation of love. Manav’s family however did not agree with his homosexuality. He has no connection with them now.
Through a crowd of thousand faces at the Calcutta Airport Nandita Dasgupta finally reached the Maruti Zen that had been awaiting her. She headed straight away for the Phoenix General Nursing Home .Raj was admitted there . He had cancer like his mother.
Nandita could not recognize Manav when she saw him. Was this the same man who had reminded her of Jude Law when she first saw him? He was thin as a rake. His face had caved in . There was an untidy mass of hair on his head and there were dark spots around his once beautiful eyes which were now sunken deep into their sockets. His face had not been shaved for weeks.
Raj was still his usual jubilant self. He seemed happy and content .He cracked a lot of jokes. And even with tears in her eyes Nandu could not help smiling. “Have you seen Manav ?” he asked. “ Doesn’t he remind you of Kumarsambahavam. The beautiful and delicate Parvati maintained penace for Lord Shiva. It took toll of her body . She became weak and ugly. Her physical beauty diminished but the beauty of her soul only sprouted its petals more wide.”
“I sometimes wonder you know,” he told her when they were alone . “ What good have I done to receive so much love and joy. Baba, Ma, You , Manav. How did I get to know all the best persons in this world. Why was I blessed with all the angels.”
Nandita couldnot hold her any longer. She broke down in tears. “ Don’t worry Nandu. I will always be there even when I am gone. The only thing that pains me is Baba. He won’t be able to take this. But I know that my worries are useless. With you and Manav to look after him even he will get over his sorrow. Manav will look after him and you will look after them both .”
Raj died in the middle of one night that summer. Nandu and Manav cried a lot. But Surjya did not cry just as Raj had not cried when his mother had died. Infact Surya did not utter one word since he came home after cremating his son. There was nothing left for him to say. But Manav and Nandu would not leave him for one moment. They wanted him to cry for crying eases the pain a lot. But there was no result. There was not a tear left in his eyes.
One night Nandu and Manav were sitting in the living room discussing about their lives. Eventually they started talking about Surjyakaku. Nandu said how Suryakaku and Rani Auntie had loved her as a child . Manav said he had never known what a father was like until he met Surjyakaku. “ But what’s happened to him now” .He broke down like a child. “ Will I never be able to bring him back” .He cried like a little girl. Nandita tried to comfort him but she could not hold back her own tears. But then she feld a gentle hand on her head. It was Surjyakau. Manav looked up wiping his tears.
“Don’t worry about me. I lost only one child. I still have two.”
Nandita was to fly to London. She was sitting in the plane at the airport. Both Surjyakaku and Manav had gone there to bid her farewell. They both looked so similar.
After Rani Auntie’s death Suryakaku had dedicated his life for Raj. Manav had done the same thing for him. Love was a cyclic process. The love she had received from Surjyakaku and Rani Auntie , Nandita had given it to Raj and Raj had given that love to Manav. And here was Manav returning that love to Surjyakaku. She ought to have been sad. But Nandu could not help smiling. It was the same smile that Raj had on his face when he died. A smile filled with joy and hope , a smile filled with gratitude towards the Creator for creating so much beauty in this world. Nandita Dasgupta wore such a smile as she bade farewell to the City of Angels.